Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions that you will ever make. Everything you do in your life after getting married will be affected by your decision. You may even have children whose lives will be forever connected to the choice you made. So you should be very careful when choosing a potential life partner and ask yourself the following questions:
1. Do you want a perfect looking man or a morally decent man?
They don’t have to be mutually exclusive. But it is very easy to let someone’s physical appearance sway your decision. Good lucks and nice muscles are nice but moral character is much less likely to change and a better example of someone’s worth.
2. Would you prefer to be with someone at least as smart as you?
There are plenty of good marriages in which one person has a significantly higher IQ. However, you need to think about how important it is that you are with someone who will partake in stimulating conversation with you. Is it important that you find someone who is good at creative problem-solving?
3. Have you thought about the significance of the following in a potential spouse:
- Political views
- Religious beliefs
- Moral values
These three things can make or break a marriage. If you feel strongly about any of them, it’s best to find someone who either agrees with you or respects your opinion enough to work with you when it’s time to compromise.
4. Does the fact that you are opposites make him more attractive?
Opposing personalities can make for a passionate relationship but passionate may not be what you are looking for in a marriage. There is something to be said for deep love and respect. Disagreeing about everything can get old really fast.
5. Do you have any of the same interests?
Is he a DragonCon fan? Do you have to watch football every Sunday AND Monday night? Does that leave either of feeling like you are left out? Of course it’s good to have your own interests too. You shouldn’t feel the need to do everything together. But one or two activities you can do together can make a difference.
6. Do you know enough about yourself to be able to identify what makes a good partner?
Women are getting married much later than in the past and that can be a good thing. It’s hard to know what you want in a marriage if you don’t even know what makes you happy. Do you have the life experience to have learned what kind of spouse you want?
7. Are you both financially responsible?
With so many marriages ending in divorce, you need to know you are capable of making your own money and being responsible with your finances before combining income with someone else. This is an important discussion to have in a serious relationship.
8. Do you both agree on your roles in a potential marriage?
Not only about whether one of you will stay home with your children or which one of you will pay the bills. How about who will be responsible for domestic duties? Whose career will take first place if there is the possibility for a transfer to a new city?
9. Can you agree to disagree about the little things?
No one wants to live with someone who can’t let some things go. He may not like the way you put the groceries away and you may hate the way he never hangs up his coat. But does it have to come up in every argument? Do either of you harp on it over and over again?
10. Are you being too picky?
Are you excluding men who would make great husbands because you are too rigid with your expectations? Remember, you don’t want to be judged by an unrealistic list of qualities and you shouldn’t do the same. No one person will have every quality that you think you want to find in a partner.
Take out a journal and jot down any thoughts that are triggered by going over this list. You may find that you weren’t very clear in your own mind about what you want. That could be contributing to your inability to find a spouse. Couples therapist www.jmarcwallis.com says that sometimes extra advice is essential to resolve issues. Getting a vision for what kind of marriage you want in your future will help you find just what it is you are looking for.
Sophie Evans loves writing and during her career has covered a broad range of topics, from creative budgeting to psychotherapy in San Francisco. The parents of a son and daughter, she and her husband Rick enjoy trips to Disneyland. Sophie is a self-confessed Starbucks junkie. She and her family live in Balboa Beach, California.