I love office Christmas parties. There’s something really magical about the combination of tinsel and cheap wine, not to mention the pent up sexual tension of all those months meeting up at the coffee machine. It’s the perfect time to let your hair down and do a bit of office networking. Or just get hideously drunk and urinate where you shouldn’t. Poor photocopier; it’s seen more arses than a toilet.
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Anyway, these are the best ways to play down your festive antics.
1) If you kiss anyone, blame it on the booze.
This is a follow on from that pent up sexual tension I alluded to earlier. If you’re single and you’re drunk then don’t worry about it. There’s much less chance of catching an STI than there was at Oceana and you won’t have her mates scratching your eyes out the next time you see them. If you’re not single and sober then just say you were drunk; unless you really meant it, which is far beyond the scope of this emotionally-barren blog post.
And if it’s the junior secretary just out of university, notch it up big man. You’ve still got it.
2) If you do anything ridiculous, blame it on the booze.
Binge eating and dodgy dancing aside, people do crazy things when they’re drunk. If you’re one of those people who take all their clothes off and jump on the backs of unsuspecting partygoers whilst doing a Chewbacca impression, then you need help. No seriously, just blame the booze. At the very most you’ll get a reprimand and a reputation as a badass. Plus everyone will get to see all of the work you’ve been putting in at the gym.
3) Use the kids as an excuse, everyone loves kids.
If you’re in the habit of leaving parties early, then stop it. The best bits happen at the end, like fights and projectile vomiting. But if you’ve really got to, say, if you’ve insulted too many people already or the office berk keeps motioning towards the mistletoe, then just use the kids. Any kids. Oh my kid is sick. Actually, just say the kids; adding the ‘the’ makes it impersonal and meaningless. It’s a neat trick to bypass your conscience that I use quite often.
If you don’t have any kids or you won’t lie, you’re stuck. Man up, and blame it on the booze.
Office parties can be one of the best nights of the year. For some reason unbeknownst to me now I once saw a video of a man actually falling through a photocopier at one. Why he decided to drape his torso in office decorations I put down to advocaat, but the fact he made a very embarrassing situation mind-numbingly funny is what it’s all about. Whoever taped him and didn’t get spotted deserves a medal.
So there you have it. It’s not if you do something outrageous, it’s when. The key is to be full of excuses. So enjoy yourself and let it all wash over you. And if you take joy from nothing else this Christmas, please take it from the sight of your boss gyrating up a pine tree.
What are some of your best Christmas party stories?
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Sam Beddall is a creative writing graduate and prolific blogger, who has been an unsightly mess at parties for years. He recommends Ambius.