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How many of you have ever seen Paul Verhoeven’s cult classic, “Starship Troopers”? Well, let me give stick you with three words – brain sucking vagina. Yeah, you heard me right, brain…sucking…vagina.

Sure, all vagina’s “suck brain”, at least if you’re up on your hip hop slang, but this is coming from a German filmmaker in 1997. A really fucked-up-in-the-head filmmaker, but that shouldn’t sway my suspension of disbelief.

See, I work in the pest control industry. I get called out on jobs to exterminate homes, eliminate bed bugs, poison rodents – but never in all my years have I come across an insect that looked like vagina. Not that I need to find some giant insect gash to get my rocks off, but when you deal with bugs all day, knowing that such a rare occurrence might actually happen could make the job a little more motivating.

This would be my Big-Foot; my Cardiff Giant. I get called into work one day and I’m told, “You have a job in anywhere USA for a Mr. Paul Verhoeven. Says he has an infestation of insects, mainly a large brain sucking vagina”. I’m all fucking in at that point. I’m already thinking of ways to take this bitch down. Let’s leave the chemicals at the office boys and charge up our battery operated dildos. I’ll take the lead, use my fingers and do a little poking around, and then we’ll give it a good licking.

Yeah, that may sound a little sick, but the idea of a big brain sucking vagina wasn’t my idea to begin with. I’m just going for it. I’d love to know what kind of shit Verhoeven was smoking when he came up with that idea. Speaking of insects, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in that production meeting when he’s pitching the conceptual art for this creature.

“Okay boys, I’m thinking of this giant bug, that’s almost V-shaped. A big slit right down the middle, maybe some hair all around it. It’s a brain sucker. When it’s ready for action it oozes this white sticky goo that secretes and discharges from within….”

“Oh, you mean like a big-ass vagina?”

“No! An insect, A giant insect. A big brain sucking bug,”

“Yeah Paul, well a vagina can suck the shit out of a brain too…Tell that fat girl to come over here and  take her panties off…. This what you talking about? Some big, wet, nasty, shit like this?”

Every time I watch Starship Troopers, I try to think about it as a man vs. bug movie. That’s what I do for a living – man vs. bug. But then that big brain sucking va-jay-jay comes into the picture and fucks it all up. Now I’m thinking that there is something out there bigger for me. Not me personally, because I couldn’t handle that big of a vagina, but I’d like to just get a peek to know it was there. What would I do if I ever encountered an insect with a good bag that size?

For those of you who haven’t see the movie, I’ve added a picture. For those of you who have seen the movie, consider this my WANTED poster! As a soldier on the frontlines of the pest control industry, I won’t stop until I capture the brain sucking vagina bug!

Chris Penn is an avid horror and sci-fi movie fanatic who writes reviews for several websites. He finds creative inspiration for his short stories through his day job at  Greenwich Pest Control  .